Dealing with Grief and Sorrow
When You Lose a Loved One
In 1978, when two of my friends died within days of one another, I suddenly had to face the reality that no life lasts forever. These two deaths taught me much about grief and sorrow, and this is what I learned from this life-changing experience.
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At age 41, this was my first acquaintance with death, and I had a lot to learn. This is the story of two grieving journeys and two letters, one sent to Carolyn, who was grieving the death of her husband, Jim, and the other to Shirley, a close confidant who died without warning before I had a chance to say goodbye. Her death shook me to the core, and all I could do to deal with it was write a “Letter to a Lost Friend.” These two deaths and letters taught me much about grief, sorrow, and suffering, so now I’m sharing what I learned from this life-changing experience.
In my letter to Carolyn, I shared some comments from a magazine article published years earlier. I didn’t save the article but only typed excerpts about the importance of grief and sorrow that spoke to my heart. I thought I might need these comforting words someday since I expected to live longer than Harry, who was ten years older than I.
Since I didn’t note the name of the writer or the magazine (which I suspect was Reader’s Digest), I hope to be forgiven for considering the few words shared below as fair use. I have tied a few of the article’s sentences together to make an important point about grief and sorrow:
“Grief is the noblest emotion a human being can feel, and sorrow is not merely a passing madness. Grief is not an enemy. It is, like love, creative energy, and courage, one of the great human experiences. It ought not to be shunned or slighted. The American Ernest Hocking said, ‘If a wise man were given power to remake the world, he would not leave out sorrow. Without it, we are incomplete.’
“Tears wash the eyes as nothing else can and show us new views of humility, compassion, and priorities. Sorrow strips away superfluities and gets one down to the bone. It is an indispensable means of finding out what is important and what is not.”
I do wish I’d kept the name of this writer so I could tell him or her that their words were being shared with a new audience nearly 50 years after the article was published. In closing the letter I sent to Carolyn—which was written decades before I was born again—I wrote:
“I’m not what you might call religious, but I believe in God, and after reading several articles on the topic of death and dying, I now believe in life after death. I share your grief and sorrow as I find myself taking one more step towards the realization that no life lasts forever, including mine, yours, and those we hold most dear. I guess this is a realization each of us has to come to terms with sooner or later.”
What I Learned in Dealing with the
Loss of My First Close Friend
Soon after Harry and I learned that our mutual friend, Jim, had died, I was shocked when I called Shirley and a family member answered the phone with upsetting news. She’d had a sudden massive cerebral hemorrhage and was in a coma, with no hope that she would live. She died a couple of days later, and all I could do was cry about it. This was such a blow!
Shirley and I were friends right from the start. It was as though we’d drilled for oil and got a gusher on the first try. There was an immediate understanding between us—the kind of closeness that I believe only another woman can understand. I had only two other close friends then—my mother and my best girlfriend, Sylvia, both of whom I called seeking consolation. Mother, an LPN who had cared for many up to their moment of death, said, “I know how you feel, but you’re going to lose a lot of friends before you’re through, and it will never get any easier.”
Sylvia let me cry on her shoulder for 45 minutes as we discussed death and its effect on the living. Then, she offered the hope that one day, given time, I would make it back to an almost normal state.
Letter to a Lost Friend
Years ago, I began to write letters to people I’d loved and lost. Don’t we all have words we wish we’d said to a friend or family member before they died, especially if they were taken from our lives without any warning? Putting my thoughts and feelings in writing has always soothed my soul and given me comfort, so it was only natural for me to write to Shirley. But in my letter to her, I learned something new about grieving.
A week before her death, Shirley planned to come to our new house and help me unpack, but canceled at the last minute because she said she needed to work. After I had a chance to calm down and think about the whole thing, my strongest feeling was anger because Shirley had canceled our “date” a week earlier. “It seems such a waste,” I wrote. “You were only working to save money to have your nose fixed and now it doesn’t matter anymore, and we lost our last chance to have a good visit together.”
Later in the letter, I asked, “Why is it, Shirley, that our first thoughts when we hear of the loss of a loved one are not for the loved one but for ourselves? My first thought on hearing you were in a coma with no expectation of living was a selfish one. I didn’t want to lose you. I wasn’t at all prepared to give up one of the three closest women friends I had. Later, I realized I hadn’t even considered your feelings. Look what you’ve lost: Life itself! As I write this, I’m mentally preparing myself for your funeral, where I know there will be another tear gusher for you and some for me and my loss.”
I hope my closing words to Shirley might give you perspective on whatever loss you may have had or will soon experience:
“You were a special friend who brightened my life for a couple of years and then, like a rainbow that colors a day for a precious few moments, you disappeared forever. Sure, there will be other rainbows in other places, just as there will be other friends for me in other places I will live. But there will only be one Shirley. Good friends, like rainbows, are truly one of a kind, and I will always remember you. God bless you, dear friend.”
My friend, Shirley.
If you have not learned this already, know that your grieving journey will be much easier and shorter if you ask God to help you get through it. These Bible verses acknowledge the universal pain of grief, offering comfort, support, and the hope of eternal relief from suffering:
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV).
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NIV).
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:11 NIV).
“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4 NKJV).
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First published as Barbara’s “Personal Musings About Life” in May, 2025.
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